I Need Some Advice

[tiffanychill]

So this title wasn't funny like I try to make my other ones because this one is a little bit more serious.

I want to start this out by saying that I was forunate enough to have never been bullied in school. I was always pretty cool with people. so I never got bullied. But little sister is different. She is 13 and about to go to the 8th grade. I have always noticed that she was always into trying to be popular. She plays sports, so she is known and she has some friends. BUt lately, the friends I have seen her around aren't the same friends she has always had. These kids are... different to put it politely. Not in a super bad way, it's just that they are really into boys and putting caking make up on their faces, which is totally unlike my sister. She has always been athletic and shies away from make up in general, or at least until now.

The reason I am really concerned is because I was snooping on her phone the other day I know, I know and I noticed that this guy was texting her and basically she was in a group message with a couple other people and the guy was like "Yeah, [Me and my friends] make fun  of you all the time" and she responded back with "Stop, you guys are just bullies. Leave me alone." So I texted one of her old friends, one she used to hang out with, and she was telling how my sister told that guy she liked him, and he told all his friends and now they make fun of her for it. And worst off is that he is dating my sister's new BFF.

I just feel so bad and I want to rip that guy's nuts off but he probably hasn't even reached puberty yet. I am just stuck between wanting to say something to those losers and letting my sister deal with it and letting her know I am here for her. I have made it a point to hang out with her more, and to cut her some slack whenever she annoys me, but I just feel a little lost and I want to make everything go away.

I just need some of your wisdom if you would like to share it. Or share something

[chloe.]

Personally, as someone who went through bullying in middle school, and basically also an existential crisis (I grew up way to fast. I was thinking all the things people think when they're twenty five at like 13...), I'd say not to stress about it too much. I have a really kick ass brother whom I look up to a lot, and go to about most of my problems, and during middle school, he always used to tell me that it wouldn't be the same in high school. It's really lame advice, but idk, I think it really kinda helped. It gave me some hope, you know? 

I moved in the seventh grade for like, the third time, and had to start over. I went through a whole process of being the third wheel, and being shunned, and 'that one friend' (you know what I mean). And unfortunately, I was friends with the people your sister are most likely friends with now, back then. And honestly, I'd say that you should just let her deal with it herself. If it really gets to be serious, then step in, but there are some harsh life lessons you need to learn, and if you save her now, she might just end up gravitating towards the same people in like.. college, or after that. But honestly, it wouldn't have been the same for me if someone said 'chloe, these people are not your type of friends, you should find new ones', bc I'm not the one realizing it, and it's not the same, if that makes sense.

Also, you're her sister, and it's kinda a tough spot bc "ew why would I listen to you". It'd be like when parents try and keep the kids away from their boyfriends/girlfriends... well, sorta...

idk, middle school sucks, it doesn't last forever, and high school is better.

[korra]

^ what she said and maybe you could hint at your sister that you're always there to talk if she needs someone to go to for advice and to vent to. 'Cause you can't fight her battles for her but just casually throw it in to conversation if you can about how she can always come talk to you. Just let her know that she doesn't have to be someone she's not and make herself uncomfortable in order to be popular. You could also give her some boy advice and point out that a boy who makes fun of you is not someone that you should consider dating and should be squashed underfoot. It's never too early to start talking about healthy relationships!

And I'm not the best person to talk to about bullying because I was never really bullied when I was in elementary or middle school since I took it upon me to terrify everyone into respecting me but something that's always worked for me when I occasionally get teased about something is to act like it doesn't bother me. Maybe your sister could try faking that the things her new friends are saying don't bother her, because if she doesn't react to the things they say then they'll eventually get tired of being assholes to her and move on. Another route she could take is seeing how far she can shove her foot up their boots but violence isn't the answer so keep that as a last resort.

[thomaspynchoff]

The way I see it, if I had been in your sister's shoes at that age I would have liked to look back into those years knowing that my sister or anyone else had my back rather than see that I went through something like that on my own.

It's a difficult position to be in and approaching her about it will surely not be easy, but so many things could come out of her being made fun of us that it's worth the risk. Talk to her, tell her that you're there for her no matter what and remind her that she's not alone, but most importantly let her know that she can talk to you about it and other things.

[flummoxed]

I definitely agree with what everyone before said. You should definitely let her know you have her back (you seem to be doing that already, though). Another point that hasn't been made yet: does she want your help? Some people are much more independent and want to deal with things on their own and become stronger, while others would much rather have someone standing by to help them out when they don't know what to do. I would try to figure out what your sister wants from you, if anything, and them decide whether or not to take action yourself.

(Also, do you think I could ask for some wisdom myself? I'm in a really tough situation and I'm unsure of what to do, but I don't want to take the focus away from your problem or anything like that.)

[tiffanychill]

Aug 24, 2014 20:09:36 GMT flummoxed said:

I definitely agree with what everyone before said. You should definitely let her know you have her back (you seem to be doing that already, though). Another point that hasn't been made yet: does she want your help? Some people are much more independent and want to deal with things on their own and become stronger, while others would much rather have someone standing by to help them out when they don't know what to do. I would try to figure out what your sister wants from you, if anything, and them decide whether or not to take action yourself.

(Also, do you think I could ask for some wisdom myself? I'm in a really tough situation and I'm unsure of what to do, but I don't want to take the focus away from your problem or anything like that.)

Most definitely!

And thanks to everyone for responding! I think I am working on it as best as I can. Basically we hang out often and she knows I care. But it's just a tough situation no matter how you handle it

[flummoxed]

Alright, thanks for letting me use your thread to do this

I have this friend back in the town I used to live in. This past spring, she attempted suicide by taking too many pills and I know she still cuts because when I went to visit a few weeks ago, I saw the scars. I also have a feeling she's anorexic (she hardly eats, she's extremely pale and skinny, and she told me she only got her period for one day during the last few months). I'm not too sure why she attempted, but I think it has to do with her family/social life: her parents are in the middle of a messy divorce- her mom got a restraining order against her dad but they still live together (I have no idea how that works, but I guess they make do), her brother is an addict and a drug dealer (but he seems to be a good person since he's the one who saved her life when she attempted), and all of her friends are in the "wrong crowd" and didn't do anything when she attempted or seem to notice anything was wrong.

My dilemma is this: I know it's wrong to let this happen to someone without trying to help, and I should tell someone. But at the same time, am I in a position to tell anybody, seeing as I moved across the country last year and I'm not as close with her anymore? I can't stand to be passive, but I definitely don't want to meddle in anything that isn't my business. Do you guys have any advice on how to handle this?

[korra]

It's been a while so I thought I could offer up some advice however little experience I have with this type of thing. I would suggest keeping in touch with this girl and becoming friends with her again and being someone that she can talk to about her problems if she doesn't feel comfortable going to anyone else. Send her positive messages and be there to comfort her and calm her down if she ever needs someone. I know that when my best friend made the decision to cut one time, she came straight to me and we spent hours talking things through with each other and about her feelings and going through calming exercises (deep breathing helps).

I don't know if this is the right thing to do and there are going to be other people giving you advice on this with a lot more knowledge on the subject but I think you do need to tell someone. This girl is clearly in need of some serious help which she should get as soon as possible and if the people that are supposed to love her don't catch onto that then it needs to be brought to their attention. Her parents may be going through a messy divorce but I would hope that their daughters health would be more important to them than their problems and that her parents could put aside their differences to give their child what she needs. She may hate you for years for telling her parents or someone else that she trusts about what she's going through but if it gets her the help and attention that she needs then that's really all that matters. But if you decide to tell anyone is completely up to you and if you do tell anyone, I would suggest becoming someone that she can talk to and trust before doing so, because if she trusts you and knows that you care about her, you might not even have to be the one to tell anyone, you could convince her to talk to someone herself.

[Deleted]

I have three younger siblings who I mother hen obsessively, and the advice I can give is that it's more important to let your sister know you're there for HER than it is to rip nuts off (though honestly, he deserves it). I interfered in my younger brothers life when he was having issues with a girl and he didn't talk to me for six months (I still wanna rip the girls face off, but we're cool now). So, let her know that if she needs advice or to talk or vent that you're available, but just try to stay back unless it gets too out of hand. You're a great sister, btw.